The TV Basement

This will be tough for some of you to hear....

Most people do not like American Idol. Seriously, MOST people do not like American Idol. According to their ratings, at least 93% of Americans choose each week to do something else with their time. (Watching paint dry, de-hairing their arms with tweezers, using their mind to melt ice, etc.) By the way, I am in that 93%.

I have endured approximately 60-90 total minutes of Youth Camp to the Future Possible Stars over its past few years of TV existence (yes, I am out-numbered 3-2 in the male to female ratio.) The fake tears and cheesy showtunes alone are enough to make a Super Bowl's worth of cheese dip. And, if I wanted to learn to dress like a ho, I would buy one of those magazines on the rack at Publix.

Adults....this show is created, designed, marketed and produced to perfection to sell Coke, make-up and Mabelline to 14 year old girls. How does Barry Manilow fit in, you ask? Try and pick him out of a crowd of 14 year old girls...point made. Anyway, the script is a slam dunk. It reads as follows:

1) The star of Smalltown High School show choir who was "almost" about to move to NYC to make it on Broadway belts out another copycat of Mariah Carey.

2) Randy Jackson, who actually does have musical abilities, quips about "realness" and "dawgness". He makes a socially hip and possibly racially relevant comment and ends with another dose of "realness." (Please substitute "freshness" if "realness" is overexposed this episode.)

3) A plastic re-creation of the girl that was hot when I was in middle school, Paula Abdul, awakes from her teary-eyed, drug-induced coma to let Future Mariah Carey know that she "made it her own."

4) Wait for crowd to moan as villain enters frame....

5) Middle-aged brit in uncomfortable (for everyone) black t-shirt makes sly remark in overly British accent.

6) Everyone agree with him but boo until Applaud Now sign is lit.

7) Former Future Mariah Carey returns to work at Applebee's.

Even with a writers' strike, this has gone on too long. Can no one create a more compelling drama that what is presented on 8 nights of the week? Did the networks lose the 80's archives of such masterpieces as Airwolf, The A-Team, Remington Steele, Knight Rider or the present day Hero's, The Sarah Connor Chronicles, CSI: Miami (waaa-aaaahhh), etc?

If you wear lip gloss, currently use ProActive, have lime/pink bands in your braces, have a name ending with an "i" and think that 1992 was the year Sputnik was launched, you are welcome to great me with "oh my gosh, did you see Idol last night?". Otherwise, with respect for the VAST majority of America, we would prefer a hello.