A Story: by Ella Kate Smella Kate

I am sick and at home from church today. I am here with Daddy. (I call him "Mommy" just to keep things easy.) He is a nice guy and apparently pays the bills, but he is 7% as fun as Mommy.

Daddy-Mommy is fun sometimes but not when you are sick. Daddy-Mommy is more tickle/wrestle/be silly fun. We did play with my big Ducky toy for a while, but it got boring. (Daddy-Mommy calls it a chicken. I don't know what therapy is yet, but I think he needs some.)

I played with Ethan's drill for a few minutes. It is usually not allowed but he is not around to say "no."

What a minute! Ethan's not here! What if....no, no, no, I couldn't.

Could I?

Uhm, yeah. I make this look good.

Daddy-Mommy said this looks like a Storm Trooper. I have no clue what that is, but I guess they get free pretzels. (Unrelated, I ate some pretzels.)

My hands do not come out of the sleeves. I bet that is how it was made to fit.

Ok, Daddy-Mommy isn't so bad.

Oh, hey guys. Ethan, Mia, Mommy....right, I've just been reading this sticker book for the whole morning. (Hopefully, it isn't upside down.)

PS - Daddy-Mommy....how did you know that I got into Mommy's make-up a while ago?

Even better....

To infinity and beyond!

Veep candidate ****BREAKING NEWS****

I can now confirm that John McCain did NOT select me as his VP candidate. It was truly an honor to be considered. I wish them all the best.

****Developing****

Thursday night TV

Was there anything good on TV last night? Mostly re-runs? I thought so...

I saw the set-up for a pop-star's concert in Denver, but I missed the concert. I am sure the Backstreet Boys were good as usual.

Two jobs I really want:
1) The news writer who defines WHY oil prices are going up. The guy sitting behind his desk attempting to connect two seemingly unrelated stories in an attempt to make news (X + oil prices = increase gas.) I would shoot for more entertaining headlines.

Try these out:
- Oil prices increase on hurricane approaching gulf (that was just for practice)
- Oil prices on the rise after Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt spotted dining in Soho
- World's supply of gold used to forge Phelp's 8 gold medals. Oil prices on the rise...
- K-Fed the more mature "adult" as compared to ex-wife Brittany. World ashamed it cares and punishes self by increasing oil prices.
- Oil companies like profit. They can choose to lower or increase oil prices. Uhm, guess what? Oil prices are higher....

2) The other job I feel qualified to hold is political speech-writer. I am not especially eloquent, but I am full of BS. (Heather can confirm that fact.) Apparently, you can say ANYTHING you want and never be held accountable. That is my kind of gig...

This holds true across party lines. Rep and Dem's both spin fairy tales. I would prefer they just say the actual words "blah, blah, blah" rather than pander for 30-40 minutes. Anyway, when I become a presidential speech-writer, here are a few of the ideas going into my first speech. My guy will win!

- New soda machines in the school cafeteria. All sodas will be free....
- Taxes will be drastically lowered while all benefits and treats from the US Gov't will be drastically increased. (At this point, I do have to ask you to not ask any questions based in reality such as HOW these things will occur. Just work with me, peeps...)
- All children will skip through sunny meadows. I will stop the rain so as to never interrupt their skipping.
- The gov't will water the meadows since I stopped the rain.
- Everyone has free healthcare, happiness and Snack Pack puddings for life.
- Your child will never again scream "I need someone to wipe me". This will be done by the gov't at no cost. (Plus, I decided to reduce taxes even further.)
- Happiness will come in rainbow shaped boxes delivered to your bedside each morning. (Screw taxes....let's just drop them all together.)
- Rich people will pay for all your stuff.

By the way, the book Blue Like Jazz is great. I am 2/3 done and have been informed by many that I am the last person to read the book. Don Miller is funny and somewhat offensive. What a guy....

I am tagged....

John tagged me. It is fitting since Hide and Seek, the better version of tag, was my favorite game when I was a kid. (If you want to go head-to-head with me in a 34 year old game of Hide and Seek, bring it...) Soon you will now more about me and have 39 less seconds in your life.

Sidenote: I once got toasted at a Sunday School party because I did not answer "Jesus" to the question, "Who would you most like to meet." Really? I need to tell you that I want to meet Jesus? Why would you not just assume that one? So, I did not answer "Meet Jesus" on all seven of the Things I Want to Do list. Also, I did not answer "Not Meet Jesus" on the list of Things I Cannot Do. (I answered Conan O'Brien at the party and it still holds true.)

7 things I want to do before I die:

1) Be financially independent
2) Watch my kiddos grow into Godly people who enjoy time w/ Daddy
3) Spend quality time with Conan O'Brien
4) Travel with H around the world stopping in all the good places
5) Learn to fly
6) Care about board games
7) Do a man's trip with Ethan to some place manly

7 things I can do:

1) Eat all the time
2) Play piano
3) Write
4) Entertain my kids with ridiculous games
5) Create a song about ANYTHING
6) Flip my tongue over
7) Draw reverse circles in the air with my fingers

7 things I can't do:

1) Be relaxed or slow down
2) Stop expecting something bad to happen
3) Find a babysitter when I need one
4) Care about my yard (I mow from guilt)
5) Have geniune concern for people (working on that one)
6) Sleep past 7 AM without having a headache
7) Cocaine (that was just to see if you were still reading)

7 things that attracted me to Heather:

1) Her running shorts
2) Her personality
3) Her quiet confidence
4) Her God-like control over food...it does what she says (artichokes, choco caramel cake, etc)
5) Her beauty
6) Her kindness (real kindness...not the fake kind like you and I have)
7) Her ability to understand what is important

7 Things I say most often:

1) Unrelated...
2) Should I not have done that?
3) Shines like a new pony
4) Who needs a spanking?
5) What did you do today?
6) Mia, that is such a pretty picture! Thank you...
7) You have a big girl pillow!

7 Celebrity crushes from childhood:

1) Beyonce' (Technically, I am still a child)
2) Kelly LeBrock
3) Deanna Troi (If you don't know, don't ask)
4) The girl from Airwolf
5) Alyssa Milano
6) Some random southern gospel girl who all look the same
7) Princess Leah

The O'Bus

Why am I on the Obama bus? Sitting in his chair? Did I get that shirt at TJ Max (yes.)

(Interior: Very cool....Ken, you done good.)

(In the O'Chair. I am so presidential.)

My huge plans....

A great side effect of attending and de-attending law school is the realization of how much free time I have available in the evenings. I spent approximately 8 hours per week in class and around 15 hours per week reading for class. The day I decided to quit retire from law school, I committed to use that time more wisely than absorbing repeat episodes of Man vs Wild. Unfortunately, NBC's coincidentally-timed coverage of The Olympics have interacted with my additional 23 hours per week as Man vs Wild's star, Bear Grylls, would a poisonous snake....it killed the hours and completely consumed them. (Sorry, when I typed Man vs Wild, I was reminded of how obsessed I am with Bear and could not resist the poor comparison. If you don't watch Bear each week, shame on you.)

I did make the commitment to read at least one book per week. Naturally a member of the nerd herd, I love to read. (I especially love to read books that do not contain the legal words quantum meruit, promissory estoppel or heresay.) I need suggestions for good books. I may be (am) nuts but 52 books in a year is not too far gone, right? I have three simple but rigid rules used to create my booklist:
1) The cover cannot contain a Fabio-esque character (These can be purchased at Kroger for $1.50.)
2) The book must offend me in some way. With my holier-than-thou, Baptist wiring it is not hard.
3) The book should be free. (This is not strictly followed but does cause an internal smile.)

The list so far:
48 Days to the Work You Love - FINISHED (Dan Miller is a great writer and just a smart dude. It is great if you are looking for a better job or looking to do a better job.)
No More Mondays - FINISHED(Ok, full disclaimer. PSB represents Dan, and I am shameless. You should buy all his books. But, they really are good.)
Freakonomics - PENDING (I gotta re-read this book. I loved it the first time. Interesting times ten...)
40 Ways to Be More Like Bear Grylls - MADE UP (Seriously, you need to watch Bear. When you learn to jump out of a helicopter, eat live animals, sleep in a deer carcass, drink your own urine - yep, you read it right, then and only then can you go back to watching re-runs of ER on Lifetime.)
Words That Work - PENDING (The Frank Luntz book was recommended by the Grand Poobah himself. It is next.)
The Reason for God - PENDING (Tim Keller is the pastor of First Redeemer in NYC and one of the smartest men I have ever heard. His sermons are phenomenal, and his apologetics are the kind of smart that make you just nod because you do not have the vaguest clue what he is saying. I will buy this book just to be seen buying this book. If the seller asks me one question about Keller, I will flee the store as small wooded animals flee the sight of Bear Grylls.)

Enough with the Bear Grylls? Agreed....

%#!?\......

Is hellacious really a word? If not, it should be made one. Really...

Beginning with an email I received last night, I approached the day knowing it would be long. I even did an extra long devotion to get ahead. Apparently, you can't load up on grace.

I hate giving good people bad news, but grown-ups do that sometimes. I need to grow-down.

I did have a great lunch with Reverend Jones. FUEL is going to be a really great class (and adventure.). The start is not far off and there is much to be done. The toughest decision is determining what type of curriculum to use. There are a million options, and, over the past 34 years, I have perfected indecision.

EK has begun potty training herself. For realz.... (That's how the kids talk.)

Sent from my iPhone

The Redeem Team

The US men's basketball team is killing poor Australia. I've said it before and will say it again....it must feel great to be SO much better than your opponent that you can embarrass them. After many attempts, Ethan finally beat me in Mario Kart. (Mario Kart is currently my only competitive outlet.) My dominant reign is over. Each day brings the possibility of defeat at the hands of a kiddo who still thinks the intro says, "Mario Kart....READ!" (It says Mario Kart Wii. He cannot be convinced. In his defense, it does sound somewhat like "read".)

H's newest nickname is The Magician in the Kitchen. Last night, she concocted a delicious blend of goodness. On a time crunch and with few ingredients, she created a homemade humus, pita stuff, chicken, etc. Other cooks should be embarrassed by her efficiency in the kitchen. She needs a TV show. I am constantly amazed at the fantastical creations she discovers.

Other stuff:
I stole JB's remote on Friday. He figured it out today. I told him I had been set-up. He did not believe my lies...

I ate lunch twice yesterday. It worked out well...

Coffee is a miracle drug...

My daughter is extra funny and climby....

Deja Vu again

Remember that kid in school who was always wearing pants a little too short and a shirt a little too small? It was not because he was poor but because his parents simply could not keep up with his growth spurts. I, I mean HE, always showed a little too much sock and rolled up his sleeves to make him look "cool." In reality, he was not cool. His shirt sleeves hit him at mid-forearm.

I remember that kid well because he lived in my mirror. My hand-me-downs (Gay Hanks phrase) came from John (older brother) who was the same size as me. It does not take a NASA engineer to calculate that they were not going to fit for long. (The one exception was the turqoise 80's shirt that I once took from him. It had a diagonal zipper on the front and looked very futuristic in a Blade Runner sort of way. In 1985, it was incredibly cool. Then again, so was New Coke.)

Sweat pants were the worst-case situation. Sweat pants were only cool if they had some extra material at the ankle. If your sweat pants are tight on the ankles and pulled straight, you have a problem. Because I grew freakishly fast into different height stages, this was MY look. Corey Haim wished he was cool like me.

Anway, I bring all of this up because I dressed from the back of the closet today. I dressed from the FAR back of the closet. I put on clothes that dropped from the rotation in college. The dry cleaning bag lived in my backseat for almost a week, and I put it there a few days into an emergency situation. At this point, I am close to having to wear the scrubs left over from Ethan's birth. (I really do have those...)

When I came down stairs, H (loving wife) made the comment, "Hhhmm, I thought you would do something different..." That is not a good sign. She loves me more than anyone and thought I would do something different. I did not do something different....I did this.

I look like Erkel, and it is a familiar feeling. I hope I remembered do to my Algebra homework.

Lunch

Daddy made lunch today. Waffles with LOTS of honey, strawberries and bananas. Healthy? No. Filled with awesomeness? Uh-huh.

Updates:
Michael Phelps....1/100th of a stud machine

Hanks family...bummed around the Hanks Family House far too long today and are all anxiously irritated with each other

Boys..boys rule and girls drool

Girls....boys are grumpy meanies

I am that guy....

I have crossed a threshold. I have made a choice that cannot be undone. I carpool....

(Take a moment to catch your breath.)

Dloy and Ryan live in Spring Hill. Why would I not carpool with them everyday? It would greatly reduce my driving expenses. It only makes sense. Plus, Mother Earth has given me so much. Wouldn't it make sense to give Her something back in return?

Yes, Yes and Mother Earth does not exist. But, once you become a carpooler, you are officially always a carpooler. You need to sit silently in the back seat or talk about the weather. I am that guy... (Luckily, I really like the two guys I carpool with and can actually talk about real life.)

By the numbers, my reduced driving combined with no more school nights will save about $120 per month. Of course, as a carpooler, I have to account for buying many plaid, short-sleeved business shirts and more pocket protectors. Ultimately, it will probably be a break even deal.

The transformation from cool, happenin', hipster-dufus to middle-aged, married with 2.5 kids guy will be complete if I get a mini-van....uh-oh....

If I understand the rules correctly, I do not think EK can wear this outfit after Labor Day....

When I grow up....

One of the great side-effects of not having schoolwork is the ability to read what I WANT to read. (The ever-on Olympics have put a temporary kink in my plans to read a book a week.) I have just finished Dan Miller's 48 Days to the Work You Love. If you are in-between or searching for a job, it is an incredible road map. For everyone else, it is a great reminder and challenge to do the things that God made you to do and not do a job that only pays the bills.

I re-learned the principle that you should NEVER stop asking the question, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" And, I decided what I will be....Michael Phelps. (I know...there already is a Michael Phelps, but I figure he will get tired at some point.)

It must be a cool feeling to be so much better than everyone else that you can pretend like you do not care. I have freakishly large hands and feet which is a start. (And, Heather would remind me that I have extra-freakishly long toes....another story, another therapy session.) I do lack the massive muscles in my chest, arms, back, legs, thighs, shoulders, neck, earlobes, etc. However, I am quite "wiley" which makes up for some amount of lost strength.

Anyway, keep watching the Olympics. We certainly cannot turn them off. And, after I learn to swim the full length of our neighborhood pool, Beijing is next.

Why I have to run....

H just cooked a homemade buffalo chicken pizza with blue cheese, bacon
and other delicioso (as Dora would say.) And, that is why I have to
exercise.

Steve Curtis Chapman & family / Larry King Live

If you have ten free minutes today, you will not find a better way to spend them....

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/bestoftv/2008/08/08/lkl.chapman.tragedy.cnn

Carnies

If I was unmarried and without children, I would strongly consider pursuing the life of a Carnie. (I use the Carnie terminology as a term of art and do not mock the noble profession.) If you are single, or are perhaps married to a bearded woman, I think Carnie-ism would be an interesting career choice. I don't think that I fit either option...

First, I like to travel. Carnie's travel...a lot. You are paid to travel to exotic locations. Franklin, TN is one such example.

Second, your clothes are (apparently) provided to you by your employer. I would be curious how often (daily or bi-daily) they provide a dry cleaning service to launder said clothes but that factor would be a big decision-maker for me.

Third, as a select carnival employee, you would be privy to all cotton candy, funnel cake and turkey legs at a reduced or nominal cost. I imagine this is done through a credit/debit system and monitored electronically. Or, they may just do vouchers. Honestly, I am guessing on this one...

Finally and most importantly, I imagine that all carnival rides are available to you (Me) at no cost. This arrangement would differ from my current arrangement which asks that I pay with kidneys or other vital organs. My vast financial empire could easily be spent in one night of polish sausages, funnel cakes, lemonades and carnival rides. We attempted to do so last night.

Carnies, enjoy the life of luxury you live on my dime...

Heather is awesome...

Her thoughts....

It is done....

Dateline: Monday @ 8:00 AM....Shawn faxes withdrawal papers to Nashville School of Law....more to come

The "more to come" part is sweet relief. I really struggled with the decision but, ultimately, know it is the right one. After much prayer and thought (and extreme patience by H,) I am done. I do have some overly expensive, underly useful law school textbooks for first and second year. If you know any entering students, tell them to look me up.

My primary goal of attending law school was to sue everyone I know. Ultimately, I will not be able to do this directly, but, hopefully, I will be able to do so through one of the many Asbestos Advocates advertising on late night TV.

I did see Step Brothers with the guys last night. Please know that my ears still ring from F bombs. But, my belly still hurts from the laughs. WOW, that movie is hilarious and created for 15 year old boys (or 25-34 men.)

Lessons learned:
1) We made the right decisions of NOT taking our wives to this movie on a date night.
2) We made the right decisions of NOT taking our wives to see this movie ever.
3) Our wives are better people than us.
4) There is NO way that movie had a script. If you put Reilly/Ferrell in the same room with a camera that movie will just happen.
5) Please NEVER go see this movie. But, if you do, please let me know when and where.